Did you know that “Vokuhila” is German for “Mullet”? Yes, this song from German chaos lords Call Me Betty translates to “Macgyver’s Mullet”, carrying on the tradition of ironic screamo song titles that probably started with Neil Perry (“You Can’t Fight Jose Curevo And Win”/”I Bought This Southern Rap Compilation And All I Got Was This Lousy Hi-Hat”). Maybe I’ll feature Neil Perry next week.

Call Me Betty is completely bananas. They’re like a deathrave funhouse, collapsed into a clown car, baked into a birthday cake and featured on 60 Minutes. Just like Andy Rooney, most of the time I don’t even know what’s going on, except for smashing, screeching, and Golden Years anecdotal wisdom. Almost too many changes for steady moshing, but cool to hear international bands playing dated (and beloved) styles of music.

WHY 

DO YOUR EYES

PARALYZE ME

WHAT

MAKES ME FEEL

THIS WAYYYYYY

Seriously though the last minute of this song has one of the greatest breakdowns of all time. Slamdancing its way into my heart.

Sky Eats Airplane are exemplary when it comes to everything that is wrong with hardcore music today. They are a bunch of wusses from Texas who probably list My Chemical Romance as one of their biggest influences. They are the unfortunate product of the first decade of the 21st century when Hot Topic and Emo jumped into bed together and squeezed out a bunch of watered-down metalcore babies. 

So why do I like this song? Why do I post “Alias” to join the ranks of other Mosh Wednesday heroes? It’s because it’s so self-aware of being over-the-top. The drums are at least 80% computerized, there are pseudo-nintendobeats that are probably not generated by a true Game Boy, the vocals are all like “why-don’t-you-love me” whiner whiney whine whine whine then, “I’m-gonna-kill-you” gruff hungh doohhhh dooomm grahhhh [“YOUR BIGGEST SECRET / HAS A WEAKNESS / FOR THE TRUTH”]. I am so embarrassed to like this song but I’m coming clean here.

A final note: if the last minute of this song did not have a slowed-down proggy-sounding wall of distortion I would not be posting it. This is the closest thing to metalgaze I’m going to get without feathering my hair. Seriously though, I have this pompadour haircut now if I feather my hair I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night and Morrissey is going to be floating above me.

There is massive turkey processing plant that looms over Sleepytime Trio’s hometown of Harrisonburg, VA (I saw it myself when I was on tour). I know I would be in a rippin’ ’90s screamo band if it smelled like dog food sometimes when I walked outside. Then I would start a band like Engine Down or Milemarker (which is what members of Sleepytime Trio did).

Don’t be fooled by the mysterious and melodic intro, this song kicks into a basement brawler after about a minute. It’s the kind of track I would love to hear live while getting slammed against a concrete wall. AND I CAN SEE / THE PART OF FREE THAT’S BORROWED / BREATHING LIKE A HOLD UP / BREATHING LIKE A HOLD UP!

Another legendary Philly hardcore band. I bought the “Pigeon English” EP at a Kill The Man Who Questions show at the Rotunda when I was in high school. It is still my go-to 7” for thrashing around my room folding laundry (that and the Daughters first 7”, what a horrorshow record!). This track comes from Side B (“Mosh Side”) of the record and has both male/female vocals. Lots of queer positivity and anti-establishment rage on this album. Get into it!

Another true glasses-smasher song from Boston ancients Cave In. When it comes to early Cave In, there are “Beyond Hypothermia” people and “Until Your Heart Stops” people. I am the latter because I love the chugga-chugga mayhem and proto-prog-era segues (“Jupiter” anyone?) on this album. SMASH.

The one sad thing about wearing contact lenses is that when I’m in the pit I cannot smash my glasses on my face in a sweater-clad angular angst frenzy.